Donut Unto Others is a fan-created episode of TUGS. It is based off of the Homestar Runner short of the same name.&nbsp


Warrior opens a doughnut shop, but faces problems with Zorran, who has his own business.


{Warrior is seen cutting out dough rings. Ten Cents enters}

TEN CENTS: What the…Warrior, why the bloody hell are you making doughnuts?

WARRIOR: C’mon, Ten Cents. You know how I've always dreamed of bein’ my own boss at the doughnut factory!

TEN CENTS: {looking annoyed} No, since when?

WARRIOR: Why, just last night! {Clouds fill the screen, then recede to the edges. A scene depicting Warrior’s dream is shown. He is seen with a Canadian flag on his funnel, next to a high-jumping pit. He has a leg}{voiceover} I dreamt that I was a German long-jump champion with eight wooden legs!

TEN CENTS: And...that made you want to start a doughnut shop?

WARRIOR: Yes sir! Like I said, it's a boyhood dream of mine. Could ya pass me that recipe?

TEN CENTS: {Picks up a small note} There's just this square of TP that says... {cut to a close-up of the note} "No Garbage Today” on it.

WARRIOR: Yeah, yeah. That's it. My secret recipe.

TEN CENTS: {Sighs} I'm gonna go talk to anyone else but you.

{Cut to The Keyside. Warrior is in a makeshift doughnut stand formed from a large barge marked "Do-Nots" with a window on top of it. A fat fryer can be seen bubbling behind the window.}

WARRIOR: I honestly wonder how many million doughnuts I'll sell on my first day. Three? Four? Eight? I've gotta be ready for the 3:09 p.m. doughnut rush, you know? Ooh, here it comes.

{Zorran, with a red face and an exceptionally furious expression, enters from the right. As he speaks, cartoon smoke clouds emit from his head.}

ZORRAN: {with forced restraint} Well, hello, Warrior!

WARRIOR: Hey there, doughnut rush. What can I get for ya?

ZORRAN: {continuing his forced restraint} It's really great to very see you, Warrior!

WARRIOR: {nervous} Umm... it's good to see you, too, I guess.

{As Zorran says the following, we cut to a shot revealing that Warrior's barge is right next to Zorran’s, facing it.}

ZORRAN: I'm delighted you've decided to set up shop about ten feet away from me!

{cut back to Warrior and Zorran}

WARRIOR: Yeah, we could be a conglomerate, like KFC-Taco Bell-Radisson-Texas Instruments-NASA!

CAPTAIN STAR: {randomly appears from out of nowhere} Warrior, half of those companies won’t be founded for the next fifty years! You’ve created a time paradox!

{The “Time Paradox” screen from Metal Gear Solid appears. The options “Continue” and “Quit” appear. A cursor clicks the former, and the episode resumes.}

ZORRAN: Yes! That is a really {fire comes out of his eyes } outstanding ideeeaaaa!

WARRIOR: Um, Zorran? Are we havn’ a fight?

{as Zorran speaks, his face slowly returns to its normal color}

ZORRAN: {slightly calmer} What do you think, you idiot?! You opened up a competing doughnut place right across the street from me!

{zooms out to the gap between the stores. Note that there is no street, but a harbor}

WARRIOR: {examining the water between the two stands} The street?

ZORRAN: Right across the way from me!

WARRIOR: But I thought you were sellin’ questionable medical coverage.

{Cut to a close-up of Zorran, with his barge visible in the background with a sign "Why not Donuts?" on it.}

ZORRAN: That was two hours ago. {changes to his normal expression, now speaking normally} Now I'm in the doughnut bidness. {with a straight line eyebrow} How's that coverage working out for you, by the way?

{Cut back to the two and the barge.}

WARRIOR: {a big stack of paperwork is on his deck } Great so far!

ZORRAN: {back to an angry face} I gotta get ready for the big 3:09 p.m. doughnut rush. When next we meet, 'twill be on the doughnut field of battle! {Cut to a silhouette of the scene. Zorran marches to his stand imitating a military drum cadence} Dubba dup dup dup, dubba dup dup dup, dubba dup dup da daa ba dup dup dup!

{Cut to a shot of a clock that strikes 3:09. Cut back to a shot of the two stands. Puffa comes in via a nearby railway track.}

PUFFA: All right, gentlemen, here's how this is gonna go down. I need fried dough so bad it hurts! According to the data I got back from my train doctor, {pan to show his truck is full of paperwork } we're gonna need in the 3 to 8 million range to maintain my caloric intake. Now, commence marketing bombardment!

WARRIOR: Mine's is homemade! {holds up a spoon with some doughnut batter and a few hairs on it}

ZORRAN: Mine's is shipped from a 3rd world country named Homemáde, so I can legally print "From Homemade" on the prepackaged package. { a package of his doughnuts that says "FROM HOMEMÁDE! Is on his deck"}

WARRIOR: I've got grit, gumption, and an adorable South London accent.

{ Puffa pops his dome up in surprise and turns to see an angry Zorran.}

ZORRAN: My name's Zorran, I talk hard and fast.

WARRIOR: Available in 57 different varieties!

ZORRAN: One flavor {the word "regular" appears above his head}, over a hundred different names for it! {various names that all are variations of "regular" appear around Zorran}

WARRIOR: {holds up a newspaper} Lily Lightship raves "Hey! Get outta my face , you!"

ZORRAN: {cut to a shot of a box of toothpaste labeled "Zorran' Donuts!"; as he says each descriptions, it appears onscreen} Fights cavities! Cleans Teeth! {A cartoon Zorran appears in the bottom right corner, bearing the following message in a speech bubble} The American Dental Association does not approve the preceding statements.

PUFFA: All right, all right, all right. You both make excellent cases, but I've come to my decision.

ZORRAN: { alarmed} Health Inspector! Cheese it, everyone!

{Zorran leaves with his barge}

PUFFA: Yikes! {he disappears down the line}

{Top Hat, in silhouette, is seen coming up and walks towards Warrior with a clipboard nailed to his side.}

WARRIOR: Hey potential customer, would you like several million doughnuts?

TOP HAT: No. I don't want one.

WARRIOR: But do you dough-not want one? Hmmm?

TOP HAT: I'm the health inspector, here to hopefully shut you down. Now please rub this swab under your grease trap and bring it back.

{Warrior takes the swab and rubs it on the fat fryer.}

WARRIOR: Yes sir, Inspector Heath! {Warrior starts humming the theme to Inspector Gadget}

TOP HAT: {To himself} ...And we'll do a little {rolls the l} bit of this! {Top Hat bashes into Warrior’s barge, knocking both it and it’s owner into Dender Rocks. The barge is smashed, Warrior is beached, and covered in grease.}

WARRIOR: Ah! My face!

TOP HAT: {laughs and goes away}

WARRIOR: My delicious fried face! Zorran, is this covered by my questionable medical coverage? At least questionably so? Zorran?

{Cut to a long shot of both barges in silhouette. Zorran comes back into view with his barge and is seen sneaking away.}

ZORRAN: {to the tune of "Mysterioso Pizzicato"} Root, root, root, root, doodloodloodloodloodloo, doot doot doot doo...

{A circle of "ends" appears, the top of which is pink.'}

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